So, as I eluded to in my previous post, I've gone back to the drawing board and had a rethink about what I'm doing here..
I was starting to get dragged down and feel hopeless with the whole thing; started to lose myself a bit. You'd probably noticed.
The thing about making your life a business is; as soon as you take those things you love and you try to make them profitable, selling them as a commercial enterprise - something changes.
I've always found that when I'm put in a position of 'working for a living' (or, more accuarately; living to work), I just fall apart. It doesn't matter what I do.
In that situation life becomes an uphill battle, the roles reverse and I'm no longer in control of myself but rather I'm commanded by my enterprise, or by my employer, and that has a huge impact on my psyche and on the quality or content of my output.
It's kind of the epitome of selling one's soul.
I think language and positioning are very powerful; like a hex, a spell - the power of suggestion... Words and their connotations can affect an outcome, or an outlook, without one even realising it.
I often look at the information around me and the way society is presented; the ultimatum of a capital income based way of life. There's a subservience implied throughout which I find very suppressive and this reflects in my thoughts and emotions, it dampens my energy; there's no wonder I start to feel down about life and fail to launch on my own terms. I often wonder if it's an intentional way of getting people to toe the line.
Profiteering, labouring, capitalising and being capitalised on - to who's benefit? - there's no room for freedom in business.
Something needs to change..
So I've had a shift in perspective - I've decided rather to think of this enterprise as a
creative outlet.
I'm a full-time creator - that is who I am - a designer, engineer, an artist & musician, a writer when I'm spraffing away on this blog or other mediums.
I have ideas and I work out how to conform them to the reality around me, to make them
real - it brings me great satisfaction.
I do a lot of different things that I enjoy, have a lot of interests, and I try to make my life about those interests; hopeful that enjoyment, appreciation and good will might rub off on other people.
C1 Autoworks is therefore a creative outlet to me. This blog is a creative outlet. Similarly, I'll eventually compile a site where I can showcase the work I do in designing & building amplifiers etc. and that will be another creative outlet.
- A portfolio of interest presented in a format that others are free to call on or to purchase if they so wish.
I dont fully understand what makes this so different to 'running a business' but the wordplay and its associated perspective just totally shifts the playing field.
It's like regaining that self worth and that balance between who I am and what I do; living on my own terms. It's liberating.
Honestly I've been so depressed I haven't been able to do anything for weeks, the surmounting pressure of expectation didn't help matters, but this is like waking up.
I love these moments, they make the whole ordeal worthwhile.
As for what I'm up to right now; I've made some good ground with that guitar pedal. Once I got over the hump of going back to the drawing board it's actually come on a lot better than I'd anticipated. I'd like to get it finished whilst I'm on a roll and then I intend to get the new engine built for the 107 - confident that in doing this, everything else will fall into place.
I have some
cool ideas for the intake too. At the end of the day it's all about the journey, not the destination. I have a lot to learn.
...think I'm out of cliches now.
Hoping to revamp the website and make it a bit less wordy, more true to myself - not try so hard - so that might change a bit over the next while.
It'd be nice to get it pinned up on the club page soon but I feel it's not quite ready yet.
If anyone does need any servicing in the North East (or further afield) then keep me in mind as I'd really appreciate a bit of income.
Thank you.
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