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Italians and others.
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Author:  Rik762 [ Wed Apr 22, 2015 7:55 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Italians and others.


1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my
own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
"Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50
for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true
friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!

Author:  Rik762 [ Sat Jun 27, 2015 4:49 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Italians and others.

A Prostitute's Tax Return…

A woman walks into a Kalgoorlie accountant's office and
tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks,"What's your occupation?”

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl”.

"No, that still won't work. Try again.”

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite poultry

The accountant asks, "What does poultry farming have to do with being a

"Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.”

"Poultry Farmer it is."

Author:  Rik762 [ Sat Jun 27, 2015 4:52 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Italians and others.

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. "Get your treatment for $500. If not cured get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought he would make some money. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
This is what transpired.

Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?

Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put three drops in his mouth."

Dr. Young: --- "Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: --- "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young is annoyed and returns in a few days figuring to recover his money. --- "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, bring medicine from box 22 and put three drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor Young: --- "Oh no you don't. That's gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: --- "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. --- "My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see.

Dr. Geezer: --- "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so here's your $1000 back."

Dr. Young: --- "But this is only $500."

Dr. Geezer: --- "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean you can outsmart an old "Geezer!"

Author:  Rik762 [ Sat Jun 27, 2015 4:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Italians and others.

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill> > said, "I put a box under the bed.> > You must promise never to look in it."
> > In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On
> > the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the
> > best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it
> > were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
> > She closed the box and put it back under the bed.
> > Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly
> > curious as to why there was such a box and with those
> > contents.
> > That evening, they were out for a special anniversary
> > dinner.
> > After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity
> > and she confessed, saying, I'm so sorry, Bill. For all
> > these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box
> > under our bed.
> > However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.
> > But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in
> > the box?
> > Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all
> > these years you deserve to know the truth.
> > Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in
> > the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.
> > Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula
> > and Monica.
> > I'm disappointed and saddened by your behavior; however,
> > since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I
> > guess 3 times is not that bad considering your
> > problem."
> > Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and
> > made their peace.
> > A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you
> > have all that money in the box?" He answered,
> > "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I
> > took them to the recycling centre."

Author:  Rik762 [ Sat Jun 27, 2015 4:57 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Italians and others.

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him,

'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.'

Author:  Rik762 [ Tue Jul 07, 2015 7:56 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Italians and others.

1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Rick woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.

4. A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies, 'Bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?'

5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body? 'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!

6. The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

8. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

9. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

10. I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

11. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

12. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

13. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

14. A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

Author:  Hotrodder [ Fri Mar 15, 2019 1:06 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Italians and others.

I am new to this forum,and these jokes were posted years ago apparently,but boy,i have had some incredible laughs!!

Author:  Rik762 [ Mon Jul 29, 2019 6:19 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Italians and others.

For my fiftieth birthday, my wife Biffy (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing regular squash at the Sports Club some 20 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
Biffy seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started ! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess, with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo !!!!
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT !! It’s a whole new life for me.
The only way that I can brush my teeth is by lying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. Believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate and activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other rubbish too.
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire – like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late – it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine – which I sank.
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps!! If you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director ?
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year Biffy (the not so dear) will choose a gift for me that is fun, like a root canal treatment or a vasectomy.

Author:  brixtonboy [ Mon Jul 29, 2019 11:30 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Italians and others.

Absolutely fantastic read some pages but had to stop my belly was hurting.

Author:  Rik762 [ Wed Aug 28, 2019 8:07 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Italians and others.

The French President, Mr Macron, is in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Macron !' a heavily accented voice said.
'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well, Paddy,' Macron replied, 'this is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Macron paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again.
'Mr. Macron, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Macron asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Macron sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Macron , the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Macron was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.
'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin,' Mr.Macron!
I am sorry to inform you, that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Macron. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps and we decided there is no bloody way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

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