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 Post subject: Re: Italians and others.
PostPosted: Wed Apr 22, 2015 7:55 am 
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WORDS FOR THE WISE

1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my
own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
"Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a
moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50
for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true
friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn..that was fun!

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 Post subject: Re: Italians and others.
PostPosted: Sat Jun 27, 2015 4:49 pm 
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A Prostitute's Tax Return…

A woman walks into a Kalgoorlie accountant's office and
tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few
questions."

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks,"What's your occupation?”

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase
that.”

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl”.

"No, that still won't work. Try again.”

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite poultry
farmer.”

The accountant asks, "What does poultry farming have to do with being a
prostitute?”

"Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year.”

"Poultry Farmer it is."

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 Post subject: Re: Italians and others.
PostPosted: Sat Jun 27, 2015 4:52 pm 
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An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put up a sign outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. "Get your treatment for $500. If not cured get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought he would make some money. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
This is what transpired.

Dr. Young: --- "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?

Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put three drops in his mouth."

Dr. Young: --- "Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: --- "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young is annoyed and returns in a few days figuring to recover his money. --- "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: --- "Nurse, bring medicine from box 22 and put three drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor Young: --- "Oh no you don't. That's gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: --- "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young leaves angrily and comes back after several more days. --- "My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see.

Dr. Geezer: --- "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so here's your $1000 back."

Dr. Young: --- "But this is only $500."

Dr. Geezer: --- "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean you can outsmart an old "Geezer!"

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 Post subject: Re: Italians and others.
PostPosted: Sat Jun 27, 2015 4:55 pm 
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When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill> > said, "I put a box under the bed.> > You must promise never to look in it."
> > In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On
> > the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the
> > best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it
> > were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.
> > She closed the box and put it back under the bed.
>
> > Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly
> > curious as to why there was such a box and with those
> > contents.
> > That evening, they were out for a special anniversary
> > dinner.
> > After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity
> > and she confessed, saying, I'm so sorry, Bill. For all
> > these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box
> > under our bed.
> > However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in.
> > But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in
> > the box?
> > Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all
> > these years you deserve to know the truth.
> > Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in
> > the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.
> > Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula
> > and Monica.
> > I'm disappointed and saddened by your behavior; however,
> > since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I
> > guess 3 times is not that bad considering your
> > problem."
> > Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and
> > made their peace.
> > A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you
> > have all that money in the box?" He answered,
> > "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I
> > took them to the recycling centre."

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 Post subject: Re: Italians and others.
PostPosted: Sat Jun 27, 2015 4:57 pm 
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A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him,

'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'


Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.'

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 Post subject: Re: Italians and others.
PostPosted: Tue Jul 07, 2015 7:56 am 
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1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Rick woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.

4. A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labeled LSD?' Granny replies, 'Bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?'

5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body? 'Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!

6. The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

8. I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

9. After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

10. I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

11. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

12. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

13. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

14. A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

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