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 Post subject: Re: Italians and others.
PostPosted: Tue Dec 02, 2014 12:38 pm 
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While stitching a cut on the hand of an old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old rancher said, "Well, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked what a 'post turtle' was.
Old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road you
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

Seeing the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he explained.


"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of moron put him up there to begin with."

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 Post subject: Re: Italians and others.
PostPosted: Tue Dec 02, 2014 12:38 pm 
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David Cameron asked the Queen, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an
efficient organisation? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself
with intelligent people." David Cameron then asked, "But how do I know if
the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of
tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle,
watch me and listen" The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please
send Prince Charles in here, would you?"

Prince Charles walked into the room and said, "Yes, Mother? The Queen
smiled and said to Charles, "Answer me this please Charles. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who
is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Prince Charles answered "That would be me." "Yes, very good!" Said the Queen. Ah ha I get it said David,
thank you Ma'am. And in a great rush he left.

Cameron went back to Parliament and decided to ask Nick Clegg the same question. "Nick, answer this for me." "Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm
not sure," said Clegg. And then in true Nick Clegg style he went on to say.
"Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked
everyone, but none could give him an answer.



Frustrated, Nick went to the men's lavatory, and found Nigel Farage in
there. "Nigel, see if you can answer this question." "Yes Nick" replied
Nigel. "Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or
your sister. Who is it?" Farage immediately answered, "That's easy, it's
me!" Clegg grinned, and said, "Good answer Nigel, I see it all now!"

Clegg then, went back to find Cameron and said to him; "David, I did some
research, and I have the answer to that riddle." "If your mother and father
have a child who is not your brother or your sister, the child is Nigel
Farage!" Cameron went red in the face, got up, stomped over to Clegg, and yelled into his face, "No! You idiot! It's Prince Charles!


. . . AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHY UKIP IS DOING SO WELL!

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 Post subject: Re: Italians and others.
PostPosted: Tue Dec 16, 2014 10:56 pm 
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Murphy, a big Irishman, walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with 10 Euro notes. He guesses there must be thousands of Euros in it. He approaches the barman and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay 10 Euros and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar."

Murphy certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests, he asks?"

"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So Murphy gives him a 10 Euro note and the barman drops it into the jar. "OK," the barman says, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, - There's a pit bull chained-up out in the back yard with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third, - There's a 90-year-old woman upstairs, most reckon that she's a witch, who has never reached orgasm during intercourse You've gotta make things right for her and then maybe the spell will be removed."

Murphy is stunned. "I know I paid my money, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things...."

"Your call," says the barman, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and Murphy has a few drinks, then a few more, then even more, he then goes up to the barman asks, "Wherez zat ttttequilahhhhh?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it in one go. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up, and soon all the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping, and then............silence. Just when they think Murphy surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt and trousers ripped to shreds and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore tooth.

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 Post subject: Re: Italians and others.
PostPosted: Tue Dec 16, 2014 10:57 pm 
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Paddy went to see a psychiatrist. He said, " I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I cannot sleep and I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty Euros per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," said Paddy.
Six months later, the doctor met Paddy in the centre of Dublin. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were experiencing?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Well eighty Euros a visit, three times a week for a year is a lot of money! Now, the barman down at my local pub cured me for the price of a pint of beer....I was so happy to have saved all that money that I bought myself a new van!"
"Is that so? And how, may I ask, did a barman cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! There's nobody under there now!" .............

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 Post subject: Re: Italians and others.
PostPosted: Tue Jan 13, 2015 6:32 pm 
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A teacher asked the children in her 3rd year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as an S.A.S. Officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this unfortunate response from little Johnny, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I want to be Johnny’s tart!"

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 Post subject: Re: Italians and others.
PostPosted: Tue Jan 13, 2015 6:34 pm 
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Location: Wiltshire
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 Post subject: Re: Italians and others.
PostPosted: Wed Jan 14, 2015 2:43 pm 
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They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.
When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.
In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!

"The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the dummy out of his arse...."

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 Post subject: Re: Italians and others.
PostPosted: Fri Jan 16, 2015 3:11 pm 
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A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Hamad replied, "Oh I am very, very sorry, from way back there I thought you said Goat."

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 Post subject: Re: Italians and others.
PostPosted: Thu Jan 22, 2015 3:41 pm 
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Now on sale at IKEA - beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

Such an unfair world. When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary)

Got stopped in the street outside Boots today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming?" She was a bit taken aback when I replied, "Facebook".

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though - she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area so I've called him Bradford.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch Swine Flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's Spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Now correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift my weight.

When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and put a cherry on my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau.

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 Post subject: Re: Italians and others.
PostPosted: Tue Feb 03, 2015 9:41 am 
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John's Bad Parrot



A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing
soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.


Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his
hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.


For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you
with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I
fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
his behaviour,
the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

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