Citroen C1, Peugeot 107, 108 & Toyota Aygo Owners Club. (Discount code for CityBugStore: C1OC). - New users not working currently, New users please use 'City Bug Club' Facebook instead

It is currently Sat Oct 20, 2018 6:07 am

All times are UTC [ DST ]




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 76 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8  Next
Author Message
 Post subject: Re: Italians and others.
PostPosted: Fri Oct 25, 2013 4:44 pm 
Offline
Full Member
User avatar

Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2011 8:25 am
Posts: 118
Location: Nottinghamshire
Drives: 2014 Polo BlueGT DSG
Sod it, let's offend everyone!

I came out of the chip shop with a meat/potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, “I've not eaten for two days.”
I told him, “I wish, I had your will power!”

I took my biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "young blacks" and "Romanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today.
She said, “Sorry about the wait.”
I said, “Don't worry dear. You might lose it eventually.”

Snow in the forecast!
The TV weather girl said, she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, "Fat chance with a face like that!"

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks him,“What's wrong?”
The boy says,“Me ma is dead”.
“Oh bejaysus,"the man says.
“Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?”
The boy replies,“No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”

Years ago it was suggested, that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better !

I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days, when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus, and think to yourself, "I'm gonna have that!"

I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question,----which I got wrong.
The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair ?"
Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.

A woman has a medical at the doctors.
“You are grossly overweight,” he says.
”I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims.
” OK. You're bloody ugly as well.”


That should more or less cover it all......

_________________
2014 VW Polo BlueGT DSG


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Italians and others.
PostPosted: Sat Nov 23, 2013 5:00 pm 
Offline
Full Member
User avatar

Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2011 8:25 am
Posts: 118
Location: Nottinghamshire
Drives: 2014 Polo BlueGT DSG
EXAMPLES FROM BRITISH MILITARY OFFICERS' REPORTS

1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of idle curiosity.

2. I would not breed from this Officer.

3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.

4. This officer can be likened to a small puppy - he runs around
excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.

5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a
definitely won't-be.

6. When she opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot
was previously in there.

7. Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2 man submarine

8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction.

9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

10. Technically sound, but socially impossible.

11. The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of
apathy and indifference.

12. When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny;
since then he has aged considerably.

13. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from
port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

14. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning
around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

15. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

16. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

17. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

18. This Officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

19. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.

20. The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.

21. Couldn't organise a woodpecker's picnic in Sherwood Forest.

22. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat
in a trap.

23. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

26. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

27. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

29. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.

30. A room temperature IQ.

31. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

32. A gross ignoramus, 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

33. He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.

34. He has been working with glue too long.

35. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

36. This man hasn't got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a
one legged budgie.

37. If two people are talking, and one looks bored, he's the other one.

38. One-celled organisms would out score him in an IQ tests.

39. He donated his body to science before he was done using it.

40. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

41. He's so dense, light bends around him.

42. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

43. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

44. Takes him 1.1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

45. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is long dead

_________________
2014 VW Polo BlueGT DSG


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Italians and others.
PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2013 8:04 am 
Offline
Full Member
User avatar

Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2011 8:25 am
Posts: 118
Location: Nottinghamshire
Drives: 2014 Polo BlueGT DSG
I made my girlfriends dreams come true and married her in a castle. You wouldn’t have thought it though from the miserable look on her face as we were bouncing around!

After having sex with Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are 2 things you all need to know. She really is as sexy as hell, secondly the staff at Madam Tussauds are miserable bastards with no sense of humour!!

Took the other half to a Disco last night. There was a bloke on the dance floor giving it large, breakdancing, backflips, moonwalking the works. Other half says " That guy proposed to me 20 years ago and I turned him down" I replied " looks like he is still celebrating"

The Queens Royal Corgis are delighted to see Prince Phillip back at The Palace as they will no longer be blamed for peeing on the sofa!

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police womans uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.

_________________
2014 VW Polo BlueGT DSG


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Italians and others.
PostPosted: Tue Dec 31, 2013 5:29 pm 
Offline
Full Member
User avatar

Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2011 8:25 am
Posts: 118
Location: Nottinghamshire
Drives: 2014 Polo BlueGT DSG
At one point during a junior football match, the home-side coach called one of his
9-year-old players aside and asked,
' Do you understand what co-operation is ? What a team is ? '
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
' Do you understand that what matters is whether we win
or lose together as a team ? '
The little boy nodded ' Yes. '
' So, ' the coach continued, ' I'm sure you know that
when you receive a yellow card you shouldn't argue,
curse or attack the Referee or call him a dickhead or arsehole !
Do you understand all that ? '
The little boy nodded ' Yes ' again.
He continued, ' And when I take you off the pitch and bring on a substitute so that
another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not good sportsmanship to spit at the
other boy and then call your coach “ a stupid shithead ” is it ? '
The little boy shook his head ' NO.

' GOOD ', said the coach. ' Now go over there and
explain all that to your Grandma ! '

_________________
2014 VW Polo BlueGT DSG


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Italians and others.
PostPosted: Mon Jan 13, 2014 5:17 pm 
Offline
Full Member
User avatar

Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2011 8:25 am
Posts: 118
Location: Nottinghamshire
Drives: 2014 Polo BlueGT DSG
> > > An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.
> > >
> > > The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French
> > > fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
> > >
> > >Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of
> > > water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.l
> > >
> > >"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.
> > >
> > >"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.
> > >
> > >"But a man is sitting on the well!"

_________________
2014 VW Polo BlueGT DSG


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Italians and others.
PostPosted: Wed Feb 05, 2014 4:50 am 
Offline

Joined: Tue Feb 04, 2014 12:22 pm
Posts: 7
Location: UK
Drives: Ford
Wow!!

Supper

Thanks

:wave:

_________________
Unlock Nokia Lumia


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Italians and others.
PostPosted: Sat Apr 26, 2014 10:41 pm 
Offline
Full Member
User avatar

Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2011 8:25 am
Posts: 118
Location: Nottinghamshire
Drives: 2014 Polo BlueGT DSG
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more, this time for a good 30 seconds.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently for some considerable time. Are you OK?"

She said "I am so sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper."

_________________
2014 VW Polo BlueGT DSG


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Italians and others.
PostPosted: Fri Nov 07, 2014 6:31 pm 
Offline
Full Member
User avatar

Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2011 8:25 am
Posts: 118
Location: Nottinghamshire
Drives: 2014 Polo BlueGT DSG
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.He studied Economics
and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations
for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'


The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and
a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

_________________
2014 VW Polo BlueGT DSG


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Italians and others.
PostPosted: Tue Nov 25, 2014 11:19 pm 
Offline
Full Member
User avatar

Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2011 8:25 am
Posts: 118
Location: Nottinghamshire
Drives: 2014 Polo BlueGT DSG
• Late Night Vet Call

• A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbors were on vacation

• She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

• Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

• Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

• "Do you think that will work?" she asked.

• "Just worked on me," he replied.

_________________
2014 VW Polo BlueGT DSG


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: Italians and others.
PostPosted: Thu Nov 27, 2014 6:26 pm 
Offline
Full Member
User avatar

Joined: Sun May 06, 2012 4:19 pm
Posts: 4055
Drives: 2006 C1
This is not a joke but I would like to say thanks to the person who posted about the dogs. I laughs so much and told my girlfriend she took her eyes off the TV for a minute to listen a laughed also, I was pleased. 2 minutes later I went to tell her that the idea she had, earlier had in the kitchen worked, WITHOUT removing her eyes from the TV she shuush me and waved me with one 'kin hand away. So thank you for keeping me out of the knast tonight.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 76 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8  Next

All times are UTC [ DST ]


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
cron
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group