wicked

Definition of a smart for two with twin exhausts

A Wheelbarrow

Old ones are the best

What should you do if you're attacked by a gang of clowns ? ....

........ Go for the juggler


Had a Chav draw a knife on me last night ....

........ that permanent marker is a bugger to wash off


I got home the other night and ate 12 yogurts ....

....... I was well Mullered

Dear Technical Support ,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with CookingPlus and Cleanhouse2008.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge.

These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2007, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2007, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Help requested please!

---------------------------------

And the flip side...

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.

What can I do?


Signed,

Desperate

I bumped into a man in a bar in Fulham last night. He was crying uncontrollably, be-moaning the time of year and how he hates dressing up in a ridiculous red outfit and embarrassing himself in front of thousands of people ...

... I said, "Look, Mr. Rooney, you chose to play for Manchester United."


2 parrots sitting on a perch, one of them says 'i can smell fish'

2 snowmen standing in a field, one of them says 'can you smell carrots?'


A Licensed Counselor was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...
"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law"
The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn’t report it.
The thief was spending less then his wife.

Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife’s yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in?
The dog, once he’s in, he shuts up!

Did ya hear about the new “morning after” pill for men?
It works by changing your blood type!!

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Did you hear about the new Exorcist Movie?
They got the Devil to come in to take the Priest out of the child.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
When his hand caught on fire.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
A Mechanic.

What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A rumor

Brilliant!

What's yellow and goes up and down the A49?

Me, of course.

Very funny